I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
