I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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