I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have fence marks all over my body
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
