under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Enjoy the penises
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
