My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
