I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize