I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I love having hate sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
