im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You need Xanax blowdarts
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize