If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
