Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I smell stomach acid.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize