i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
