She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize