i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love having hate sex.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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