are you still at the devil's house?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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