I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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