I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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