turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
