Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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