??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
