I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
