I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
