So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
