Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize