i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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