Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
