Whod you bang
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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