Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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