dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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