oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That accounts for only three of the penises
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
