i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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