I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
