either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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