I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
