I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
