he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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