He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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