even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
