New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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