Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
