He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
