while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
