did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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