please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
