Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
