the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
