you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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