You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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