I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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