I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
