I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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