I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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