Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
