the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
