Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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