We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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