I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
