i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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