Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
