This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
