You're completely useless in the revolution.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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