dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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