I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
