Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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