it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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