Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
