I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
